We utilize concentration at times of temptation or craving in order to abstain from acting unwisely.

– The eighth fold of the eight fold path.

After all the stress I went through yesterday, I had one more test. I awoke at 1.30am and spent about 45 minutes fighting another battle in my head. I had a craving to order meth from the dark web (one gram, $30… I shouldn’t know that, but I do).

I ultimately made the ‘skillful’ decision and was able to get back to sleep without getting online. I knew that if I logged on at all, it would be over. It takes me about a minute to set up virgin electronics to get on the dark web (I’ve put the software on and taken it off my devices/computer countless times, ostensibly to slow me down, but it takes so little time I don’t even bother anymore). It takes no longer to order the drugs than it does to order a book from Amazon. There is one slow down… it takes about 20 minutes for blockchain technology to convert dollars to bitcoin. Thank goodness for that.

The dark web is a Pandora’s Box that I’d have been better off never opening. In my defense, I was in a full blown relapse when I decided to initially dive into it. While not as poor a decision as IVing drugs the first time (hands down, the worst decision I have ever made), it certainly ranks up there of really unskillful things I’ve done.

Obviously, the good news is that I did the right thing. I am giving myself a (little) pat on the back. It’s nice to see some of the Refuge work starting to pay dividends.

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