I am making small incremental progress in two very different directions with my life. On one hand, the slow steps associated with recovery are happening. I am making them happen. At the same time, I see myself making small moves, here and there, towards a potential relapse.
It’s a really weird state of mind to be in. It’s really no wonder my anorexia has gotten so bad. The disease’s full nomenclature, anorexia nervosa, indicates a “nervous loss of appetite” and implies that there is something not quite right “upstairs” that’s precipitating the anorexia. That’s definitely the case and there are as many different types of nervosa as there are people that struggle with it.
There are certainly multiple things going on in my head that are driving my anorexia. It started after I relapsed at the beginning of March. At the time, my urges to use were zero so, obviously, other factors were at play in keeping me from eating. At this point, it feels like the aforementioned bifurcation is probably responsible for the bulk of my nervosa.
I can’t seem to be able to sink myself firmly in sobriety. I guess that’s not too surprising. My drugs of choice are not known for being easy to get over. And addicts deal with potential relapse for the rest of their lives.
[Side note: my counselor (7 years clean) from my previous substance abuse treatment center just… left. Didn’t notify any of his clients (patients) and, evidently, the rest of the staff have their lips sealed. Hopefully, he’s fine, but it could be a relapse. I gave him a link to this blog months ago… Chris, if you’re reading this, please let us know you’re ok.]
So… right… my own shit. I feel like I might be witnessing my life as a slow-motion train wreck. I can’t tell though. The possibility of a relapse is there (always) but I don’t know if it’ll happen. I’m doing things differently this time, mostly in that I’m being very open with my Refuge Recovery mentor (yay, honesty).
Even now, I’m engaging in a decidedly ‘unsober’ action (no, I’m not buying or using drugs) followed immediately by a very sober activity (Refuge Recovery meeting). It’s no wonder I’m exhausted, confused and unable to eat.