I am sad. Denying myself my drugs of choice (yay, sobriety!), I turned to nootropics and supplements, kind of like I was doing in Utah last fall. These things certainly don’t get me high in any way, shape or form (i.e., they are not ‘mind altering’). As such, they are perfectly legal and not prohibited, even in sober living (though, I am discrete about using them).
Anyway, the titular ‘speedball’ is a combination of adrafinil (a nootropic known to promote alertness without out the high, or other effects, typical of amphetamines) and kava (a plant used to produce an entheogenic drink with sedative, anesthetic, and euphoriant properties). It is, as expected, nothing remotely close to a traditional speedball (heroin and meth/coke). That is a good thing. I do not need to be getting high. Plus, after I OD’ed on a speedball at the beginning of March, I have a healthy respect for that extremely dangerous drug concoction.
Things are going a little awry right now. E just relapsed: heroin/crack… I spoke to her this morning while she was getting ready for work. I think she’ll be able to stay clean. At this point, she is only referring to it as a ‘slip’ and not a ‘relapse’. Of course, she was kicked out of sober living, so she’s working on getting her living situation sorted. With where I’m at, I was like “oh, I can hop on a plane to NC and she and I can pick up where we left off in January.” Bad, bad idea. Still, even knowing that would be a horrible thing to do, I’ve now have got that in my head as a valid option. Ridiculous!
With E’s relapse, and my own issues I’ve been struggling with, I feel like she and I are no better off than we were last autumn, when I was in Utah and she was in NC. Actually, now that I think about it, neither of us is as batshit as we were then. That’s good… It is. I just need to remind myself and have gratitude for it.