Today was just, sort of, I don’t know… intense?
Work continues to go well. Somehow, even though I’m malnourished and dealing with come-again, go-again urges to use, I’m actually able to get some decent stuff done. It is a miracle, and I have tremendous gratitude for the fact, that I have been able to maintain my job over the last year and a half. I’m glad my boss knows I struggle with substances, even if he thinks that substance is alcohol, and that he is supportive.
Anyway, yeah, intense. I had some crazy stuff happen to me but, lo and behold, I actually talked about it! With E. With my roommate. With trusted friends from Refuge Recovery. And I feel better, less insane and not, for once, like I have no choice but to relapse.
I had a really good Refuge meeting. S led with an eating meditation that she chose specifically to help me with my struggles. I shared, in greater detail than I ever have before, about my current situation with regards to my anorexia. I also shared about how I love, and am actually pretty good at, being of service to others who are struggling with their own eating or substance abuse disorders. I cried as I lamented not being able to help myself that much.
Speaking of service, I was able to help out some old friends from NJ, whom I hadn’t spoken with since I left, who were having car problems. I also got a phone call from the wife of a friend I did rehab with in NYC (at Hazelden) three and a half years ago. He has fallen of the wagon and I was able to give her solid advice on stemming the financial bleeding and getting him into rehab, while continuing to show him compassion and, herself, loving kindness.
I went for Korean BBQ with Refuge friends after the meeting and then hung out with S until curfew (midnight), chatting. Recently, she and I have become pretty close. We’ve been having some really high quality conversations about recovery and life, in general. We get along really well and really enjoy each other’s company. For someone who really enjoys the company of women in recovery (due mostly to all my time in eating disorder treatment centers), it is fantastic. I haven’t had a close female friend in Portland since I torched the relationship that N and I had.
Actually, now that I think about it, I think that, despite some of the nuttiness this afternoon, I actually had, dare I say, a good day. I love the people in my life, I love that that life is slowly getting back on track and I’m actually ok with being clean right now.