Since I moved, I’ve been trying to eat ‘better’. I really just need to make a fucking meal plan and eat to it. So far, ‘better’ has basically come out as eating ‘a little more’ and, not surprisingly, has resulted in small purges the last few days.
And not having a scale is making me lose my shit.
I wish I could just eat healthy. I’m so tired of this adversarial relationship I have with food. I still don’t think I’m eating as much as I probably should be. I think the thing that’s bothering me the most right now is eating in front of my new housemates. Sometimes, we eat together and I can kinda mentally prepare for it. Most of my eating, however, is done in secret and, on the rare occasion I’m walked in on, I get very self-conscious and want to stop eating… But I don’t… Because that would be weird… And then I wind up throwing up afterwards.
That exact pattern went down about an hour ago. Oh, and there was blood in my vomit (second day running). I think (hope?) it was because I needed to clip my nails (which I have since done). It isn’t the first time I’ve had a little blood come up but it does make me take notice. Since I’ve been purging very rarely, up until a few days ago, I really do think it was my nails. Still, something to be aware of…