Confused and Unskillful

“Confused and unskillful” is a phrase from the Refuge Recovery text that is used to describe someone who is acting in a way that a western philosophy or religion might describe as bad or evil. The Buddhist phrase is definitely more compassionate, but doesn’t necessarily make me feel any better when I fuck up.

I am trying. I had a really good EDA meeting and talk with L afterwards about my eating. Tomorrow, I’m going to try to start eating three (small) meals each day as of tomorrow morning and slowly try to build back to a normal diet (with some peanut butter, chocolate Ensure smoothies thrown in, here and there).

Tonight, however, I just had the biggest binge, and subsequent biggest purge, that I had in a long time. It started normally enough and then I just kept eating. I couldn’t stop. I knew where it would lead. And it did. And now I feel awful.

I am so fucking tired of my eating disorder. I’ve been relapsing in it for just about a full 18 months at this point which is considerably longer than the time I’ve spent using in that same time period. I don’t know why I do it anymore. I’m sure there was a reason at one point, but it’s been long forgotten and the reason I want to be thinner is just to be thinner (regardless of the fact that I’m already too thin).

It does help me kill my feelings. Not quite as efficiently as drugs, but still pretty well. I suspect there’s still some messed up underlying issue(s) driving it. More specifically, I continue to attribute it to having borderline personality disorder but it’s origins, and any sort of meaningful ‘fix’, remain… elusive.

I’m watching Perks of Being a Wallflower (again) at the moment. I figure a could use a good cry before I go to bed.

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