Well, per L’s suggestion, I ate three meals today. It certainly wasn’t an out and out success though. Given my symptoms the last week, I’ve been freaked out to eat any more than 200-300 calories at a go, less I wind up running to the bathroom and throwing up.
So, the success is me eating three times today. The challenges include tracking my calories very exactly (thank you, MyFitnessPal). When I plugged in my food for dinner, I came out to an exact 800 calories for the day. Not good. I also broke down and bought a scale today. Also, not good. I made it 9 days without a scale, if anyone was counting. I wasn’t able to do my typical morning weigh in (I didn’t get the scale until about 9am) and my weight was exactly 156 (a couple pounds higher than my last time in a scale).
The scale is an anoretic’s wet dream. Numbers, numbers, numbers. In addition to weight, I get BMI, body fat, BMR, and a few other things. Once again, not good.
I was body checking at my Refuge Recovery meeting tonight. During a bathroom break, I lifted my shirt. Whoa! Hello, ribs. Hello, sunken areas beneath my ribs. I honestly don’t know if I can go topless for the play next month. I am clearly anorexic. I don’t want people to see it. It’s embarrassing and, probably, triggering to anyone who might struggle with an eating disorder themselves, should they be in the audience. And when I got back to the meeting? I body checked every person in the room. If I wasn’t the thinnest one there, I was damn close. My next thought? I’m winning… and I can be thinner. Fucked. Up.
So, I’m watching Starving in Suburbia (again). It sometimes inspires me to eat. Who knows? There’s a peach cobbler I made yesterday, sitting in the kitchen (100gm = 193 calories). I could eat that 100gm (or, maybe, just 50gm) and still end the day under 1000 calories.
It’s crazy. Anything under, probably, 1500 calories would be a starvation diet for me… and I’m stressing about the difference between 800 and 993 calories.
I found a new ‘pro-ana’ website today, also (proana.online). For the record, modern ‘pro-ana’ sites are not hard-core sites, extolling the benefits of eating disorders. They act more as online support groups for people both active in their disorder and in recovery. I volunteered some of my tech services and now have a new side project: setting up an online Cards Against Humanity game server, with some ED specific subject matter. That’ll actually be kind of fun. I’ve already got the source downloaded and compiled on my computer. I’m in the process of setting up port forwarding (I use a VPN) so it can be accessed there from the larger internet, until it gets transferred to the POA server.
I didn’t purge at all today.