Fuck Eating

So, I shared with one of my housemates (A) about my recent eating and subsequent urges to use. I also told her I’m going to start restricting again to try to prevent me going on a run and fucking up my life. She’s super supportive of me and understands the ‘harm reduction’ aspect of choosing anorexia over using heroin and/or meth. I mean, the former is a pretty shitty choice, but the latter is far worse.

So, it’s currently about 2.30pm. I haven’t eaten anything today, have no interest in eating anything and don’t intend to eat anything. I’m hoping that returning to the semi-starvation state I’ve been living in for the last few months will tamp down my drug urges before I do anything stupid… excuse me… ‘unskillful’.

J is stopping by in just a bit. He knows what’s going on but is at somewhat of a loss as to what to do, with respect to my eating disorder. I told my EDA friends, L and M, yesterday what was going on after a Refuge meeting.

I really don’t know what to do at this point. I know what not to do: don’t buy bitcoin, don’t buy heroin, don’t buy meth. I can do that. I am not pleased that I feel I must be active in my eating disorder to prevent a bad drug relapse. It’s a really shitty place to be.

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