I had a lengthy conversation with my wife this evening. We settled into a detailed conversation about my borderline personality disorder and it was pretty interesting.
First, let me go back and say that all my major self-destructive behaviors (drug abuse, eating disorder, cutting, etc) are all merely the most obvious symptoms of my BPD. I have a lot more pretty shitty aspects of my personality that are just as dysfunctional but that are less overtly self-destructive.
So, my BPD has been going strong for years now, decades even. Hell, it is my personality. It doesn’t just go away. I do a lot of fucked up and irrational things as a result of it. The thing is is that I am so cunning and an expert at ‘hiding in the blind spots’ that I present well. Very well, in fact. I have no sense of self so, every time I find myself in a new social setting, I’m able to quickly make it so I fit in and am, in general, quite charming.
The result? No one sees it coming when my crazy eventually comes out.
My wife knows me better than anyone else, hands down. She is probably the only person that knows exactly how secretive I am and how I expertly divulge information to paint a precise picture as to how I am perceived. I mean, no one else has any idea of the magnitude of this within me (well, maybe N also… after what I did to her at the beginning of March).
But there may be hope. My wife suggested I come fully out about my BPD… really own it… reduce the stigma… become almost a spokesperson, of sorts, about my struggles with it. Not just the kinda cool, edgy stuff associated with BPD, but also some of the really ugly things that make me tick.
I’ve already alluded to being involved in unsober activities. Hell, I had for-real plans to ‘break bad’ just a few weeks ago. Although not to that same scale, I still have some not 100% kosher things going on that seem to both thrill and terrify me and I really don’t understand why I even consider those things. I am fucking with my life.
One accomplishment I had today was not buying drugs. That’s right. That’s where my bar is set right now. Coming home with heroin and/or meth would probably be, quite possibly, the stupidest thing I could do right now. Yet, here I am. Fighting out the battle, day in and day out.
The thing is, I could possibly fly under the radar, at least for a bit, if I started using in moderation. Of course, ‘moderation’ would probably not last long. So, there is no way that going back to using doesn’t end badly. So, I’m just going to do my best to stay clean, one day at a time.