Going a Bit Off the Rails

My urges to use have been pretty intense the last few days. I spoke to J and put some protections in place to make sure I don’t cop today and I think I’m pretty good as far as that goes.

I am keeping some secrets again, though. I’m thinking about sharing some of them at the EDA meeting this afternoon. It’s confusing. My eating continues to be very not good and it’s still very much entangled with my substance issues.

I really don’t know what to do. I need to get some stuff off of my chest but I have a lot of shame associated with it. My focus is still staying clean (versus eating better) and I’m pretty sure I’ll make it through today without that being an issue but I am concerned about my long term sobriety. I have done a couple things that are taking me the wrong direction with respect to that. Hence, why I might talk with some people today.

I don’t know. I find myself sharing my eating problems more, but not entirely, with my substance recovery buddies and my substance issues with my EDA friends. Again, not entirely but I should really try to flip that dynamic.

One last thing… I’m almost 40 pounds lighter than I was this time last year. Not good. I’m basically very confused about what’s going on inside my head and my default response is to starve (in progress) and get high (thankfully, not happening at the moment).

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