Journaling More Lately

I’ve been putting pen to paper much more recently (and writing less here as a result). Part of that has to do with privacy. Very few people I know IRL have any idea this blog exists. Of those, I suspect, though I certainly don’t know, that those folks infrequently, or never, read what I write down here. Nevertheless, that is a possibility and results in me sometimes being reluctant to share here.

Well, enough of that…

I posted that video of me smashing my scale a little over 24 hours ago. In that time, I’ve been trying to eat better. That all just came crashing down with an enormous binge/purge session. I mean, I ate a fucking lot, felt awful, smoked a cigarette, and then fucking threw it all up.

And, although I’m not always actually using, I feel like I am already relapsing. Of course, I had those couple of slips prior to escaping the shitty sober house I was in, but it seems like I’m trying to set myself up to use again.

I’ve been pretty proactive (i.e., talking to people, particularly my mentor) when I think I might cop so as to add a layer of accountability and prevent myself from doing something unskillful. That said, I am full of cunning, deception and manipulation. I fear it may only be a matter of time before I convince myself its ok to use. I am already catching myself rationalizing the use of ‘lesser’ drugs (anything other than heroin or meth) even though I know that, were I to ‘indulge’ in that manner, it would only be a matter of time before I returned to one, or both, of my drugs of choice. Scary.

I still have my ultimate backup plan of moving in with E in NC. I have one or two options locally as well. I really don’t want to exercise those. I like where I live. I like my friends. I don’t want to relapse and lose everything. I’ve been repeating this cycle for 18 months now. It must stop.

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