I just wrapped up the Sunday EDA meeting. Our topic of discussion was ‘boundaries’. I’m not very good at them. I’m pretty good at not going over others boundaries; I’ve hurt too many people and am scared of hurting more. I’m pretty bad at setting and enforcing my own.
I am willing to do things for others that I really shouldn’t and accept violations of my boundaries because I have shitty self-esteem… at least, I think that’s what is happening.
We had two women drive a couple of hours from Springfield to join us. I’m glad they did. It was a good meeting. Once again, I can be a help to the recovery of other people but cannot seem to be able to help myself. I mean, here I am leading a quality EDA meeting, yet it’s almost 5.30pm and I have consumed 0 calories so far today.
I’m now on my way to Refuge Recovery meeting. I had someone ask me last night if I could mentor them and another person suggest I start acting as the secretary at Dharma Rain. Nobody sees what’s going on. I’m doing my best to not start shooting heroin or meth and there are moments where I feel that it’s more by luck than any sort of skill or resolve that I haven’t picked up either of those things again.
I’m a fucking brilliant actor (liar?). I can’t really have everybody fooled about how poorly I think I’m actually doing, can I? I’m not that good. I want someone to look at me and tell me that they know that I’m not doing nearly as well as I seem to be doing. That would be such a relief…