Falling Apart

Almost everyone seems to think I have my shit together. I, on the other hand, feel like I’m steadily disintegrating and that I’m slipping further into insanity with each passing day.

I had an awful day. I was pretty far from rational for a good chunk of the time I was awake today. Actually, when I’m with others, I really am able to put up a fantastic facade. For instance, I spent some time with A’s new boyfriend this morning and I was on. I just got done speaking with A about our other housemate, B. She’s really concerned that she may have to ask him to leave because he’s not contributing, in a few different ways, to the overall well-being of the house.

But she loves me. She trusts me. She values my opinion and insight on serious matters. I feel like I’m about to self-destruct and seriously hurt her in the process.

When it comes down to it, I’ll continue with my “don’t use heroin, don’t use meth” policy that I’ve imposed on myself and have, so far, been able to stick to. I’m getting ready to add “don’t use cocaine” to that laundry list and then continue to add more substances, as quickly as possible, so as to not allow myself a substance “out” that could and, probably, would lead to a major relapse on substances.

I think the only person in my recovery circles that has any inkling how poorly I’m actually doing is L. She knows more about the trouble I’ve been having with both substances and eating than anyone else (except, maybe, E… but she’s in NC). She is also acutely aware of the seriousness of those troubles, particularly the eating, since she has a history of her own very serious eating disorder.

I don’t want to dump on her. I don’t need to… she knows. I’m scared, again. And tired. I’m going to sleep now and hoping that my mood is improved tomorrow morning.

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