I’ve been all over the place, emotionally the last several days. Monday was horrible. Tuesday was a bit better. Yesterday was off again. I did have a nearly 6 hour tech/dress rehearsal last night which, while long, certainly helped a bit.
Today, I seem to be feeling a bit better once more. I’ve just been feeling a bit beat down. I’ve been dealing with absolutely insane urges to use (heroin, specifically) and I’m simply aghast that my eating disorder has brought me down to a weight, or rather a waist size (no scale, remember?) that I never thought I’d be at again.
I know. Life is hard. It’s just that this is some shit that I thought I’d put behind me. Yes, I know things like drug addictions and eating disorders never really completely go away but… c’mon. I’ve got all the standard ‘life’ stuff to deal with and then I have those other things on top of that? Fuck me.
At least I haven’t stuck a needle in my arm and I am eating a little. I’ve evidently also gotten better at reminding myself that these shitty feelings will pass and that I don’t need to act (i.e., shoot up) as a result of them.
I’m fairly certain using again will kill me. I suppose the eating disorder can also, though that would take much longer. I’m trying to be patient. I really am. I’m just going to keep pressing on. The other option seems to be going back to drugs which really isn’t much of an option, so…