I just saw this meme (from Clerks) and it caused me to consider something.
Obviously, the meme is darkly considering those who rationalize using substances that aren’t as ‘bad’ as others. I get that. I’ve done that. It doesn’t really work that much for me at this point, though. I’m at a point where I hate being stoned or drunk.
I obviously liked those feelings at one point, but they have left me years ago. So, what do I have to do to get to that same point with heroin and, to a lesser extent, meth? Do I need to relapse again? God, I fucking hope not! Those two substances came very close to taking me out last time.
Here’s my current rationalization that I have bouncing around: “I bet that I’m in such a place that, were I to use either of those things, I would probably feel so awful about it that I would never want to use again.” So, you see? I just need to use one more time to prove that I really don’t want to.
That makes no sense.
And, yet, it’s still there. You would think overdosing and nearly dying would sufficiently motivate me to stay clean. The truth is, I may relapse again someday. Any addict that says otherwise is flat out lying. I am well aware of all the bad shit that would happen should I do that. That won’t stop me.
Getting to the point that I feel about heroin the same way I will about weed? That would stop me. I just haven’t figured out how to get there yet. And, while my rationalization may prove true, the more likely outcome is that it would leave me unemployed, homeless or, possibly, dead. Fun times…