Fail

I just purged.

I’ve been eating all day and hating it, hating myself and I acted out. Now, I’m going to meet my friends from EDA for a concert in Sellwood Park. I feel it’s a little like going to an AA meeting, drunk.

One of my friends just got there. I’ll talk to here. She’s struggling with her bulimia right now. I’m sure she’ll understand. I’ll probably tell L also. I’m worried about disappointing her when I should really be more concerned about letting myself down.

I don’t understand why I did it. It was the furthest thing from my mind. Suddenly, it popped in there and I was in the bathroom less than 30 seconds later. There was no conscious thought about it. I went into full autopilot mode. It’s the same reason I’m working so hard to not buy drugs. I know if I have access to my drug of choice, I will use. I would be unable not to. Maybe it’s good that this happened to reinforce the drug aspect. I have to be around food. I’m not sure where I’m going with this. Still having difficulty thinking straight.

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