Ups and Downs

I have officially thrown in the towel on my eating disorder. I’m done. I’m finally acknowledging that I am powerless over it and my life has become unmanageable. I sent out e-mails today to therapists/dietitians/nutritionists. I’m just going to pay out of pocket. I can afford it and I know I desperately need professional help.

I also sat down with my closest EDA friend, L, told her all this, and asked her to help me come up with a simple meal plan. She said she was pleased that I was finally coming to grips with the self-delusion she’s seen me suffering with for the last several months and readily agreed to help.

My drug urges seem to be calming a bit as well, but there is some substance issues back east. I talked to both of my kids today (for a while). They’re both doing pretty well except my son (16) was grounded last week when he came home black out drunk from a party. We had a pretty long conversation about it. I won’t go into details. I think he’s ok and this falls under ‘typical’ teenage drinking stuff, though I certainly don’t like the black out bit.

I’m so tired. I’ve been eating to my meal plan today. I was hoping that would make me feel better. So far, I’ve eaten breakfast, lunch, some trail mix, and an Ensure with almond butter mixed in. I’m still exhausted, but now I’m angry (at food? at myself? I don’t know) also.

I just told myself that I’m not going to allow myself to relapse on anything but heroin. I don’t know if that’s smart (because I’m hopefully scared to go there?) or incredibly stupid (because, if I were to relapse, wouldn’t it be better if it were with a substance that would be much less likely to kill me? I don’t know. That might change. It might not. My thinking is fucked at the moment anyway, so who knows.

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