Triggered AF

OMG! I am tremendously triggered at the moment. The day started off ok and I actually did something fairly proactive with respect to protecting myself against a future relapse, which is fantastic. Unfortunately, I think that put the thought in my head and it has been spinning out of control ever since.

I mentioned it to my mentor, though I was much less triggered when I did. I recently became acquaintances with another heroin addict in Refuge Recovery. It would probably do me some good to call him. I should be perfectly clear… if I had access to my drug of choice this morning, I would be high already. No question about it. Fortunately, I’ve put a number of safeguards in place to prevent me from copping. Right now, the most significant one of those is my practice of trying to not be able to afford to do so.

I make a pretty tidy sum and I give away the bulk of it, trying to get by on as little as possible for food, cigarettes, etc each month. That’s why payday (8 days from now) is always so scary. Each month, I am afforded the opportunity to buy a shit ton of drugs or run away or both. I can’t do that anymore. I’ve used up all my chances. If I go out again, that’ll be it.

My most immediate concern today is the ad hoc, ‘brush-up’ rehearsal that was added in for me tonight. It is at a location that has prescription pain meds. If I can’t pull my head out of my ass before then, I really think I’m going to need to bow out because I honestly don’t see how I spend a couple hours over there without nicking a couple during a bathroom break. That would be extraordinarily bad. I could probably get away with it but it would be a significant nudge in the direction of a heroin relapse.

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