My friend’s death last week hit me pretty hard. The next morning, still feeling very out of sorts, I mindlessly grabbed a bottle of something called VivaZen at the local gas station when I went to get cigarettes.
I guess I noticed that it had kratom as one of its ingredients. I mean, I must have, right? I was feeling really shitty at the time (and I know that’s a horrible reason for using… not that there is ever a good reason for using) and, well, drank it. Not surprisingly, it made me feel better. I appreciated that, didn’t think much more about it and just went about my day.
I still didn’t feel well Sunday, so I did the same thing.
And on Monday.
That afternoon, I paused to take stock of what was happening. Now, I used to shoot dope, so I have a pretty high bar (pun intended) for what it means to be ‘high’. I thought about what this drink was doing for/to me and recognized that, while certainly nowhere near the effect of heroin, I was getting, at least a little, high.
Stop! Whoa! Cue freak out…
Ok. I know I need to stop, immediately. I need to talk about it. I need to get back to abstinence. I did talk to a couple people, but not the right ones. I’m stuck in some sort of fucked up shame spiral and it’s preventing me from talking about it with the people that can, oh, I don’t know, actually help me? I am going to talk about it with these people (of course… when?), but now I’m scared. I mean, am I really fucking relapsing on something called VivaZen that I just bought in a fucking gas station?
Yes. I am.
Fast forward to today. I have used again, yesterday and today. I really do not want to be doing this at this point. Again, the high, at least for me, is barely noticeable. It evidently either is not altering my behavior at all (or, at least, so little) such that no one else is noticing either. It’s not having any immediate adverse effects, but I know it will. Specifically, I know, for a fact, that I’ll eventually end up back on heroin, if I don’t cut this shit out ASAP.
So, I’m going to get a good night’s sleep and, when I wake up tomorrow, not go to the gas station for cigarettes. I have a perfectly good vape. I will use that. I will talk about this with someone who can actually help me and ‘soon’ (I know that’s vague… stupid shape spiral). Time to do the right thing…