I have been quite a wreck the last couple of days. Fox’s memorial service was two days ago. I went a little early, to catch up with people I don’t see very often. As the service approached, I started to feel very uneasy about going in. I touched base with a couple of people about it and was encouraged to still attend, so I did.
I began crying as soon as it started and was unable to stop. I think I was probably there less than 5 minutes before I decided to leave.
I went from there to my EDA meeting and then to Soma for some kombucha. I originally intended to go to a Refuge Recovery meeting after that but recognized that I had little chance of making it through a 20 minute meditation without losing my shit (I continued to cry, on and off, for the rest of the day).
I picked my roommate up from the airport a little before 8pm and agreed to get a bite to eat before returning home. I shared some of the thoughts that were bothering me. The foremost idea that I had bouncing around in my head was that the next funeral I’d be at would be my own. I shared some more stuff about how fucking meaningless my life is and how I put events in place at future dates mostly in an effort to prevent myself from committing suicide. I was also flipping between despondency and rage at this point, due to a text message I had received while at the airport.
My roommate trivialized my feelings somewhat (I think, unintentionally). I didn’t know how to handle it. It made me second guess what I was feeling and, generally, made me feel more confused than I already was.
It was all very ‘borderline’. Was I overreacting? Probably. She doesn’t understand BPD at all at this point, though I am starting to help her learn more on the subject. It did make me feel like I was ‘wrong’ for feeling like I did because of what she said (‘invalidated’ is probably a better word). Even now, two days later, I’m still very confused by the whole exchange. With respect to the meaningless of life, she says that everybody feels that way. I believe, if everyone felt the way I was feeling on a regular basis, there would be a whole lot more suicides than there are already. I guess she doesn’t appreciate the intensity of borderline emotions?
So, she inadvertently dismissed how I was feeling and in the next breath asked me about my self-harm. I told her I hadn’t done it ‘recently’ without defining ‘recently’ but sure as fuck engaged in it when I got home (and again yesterday). I know this is probably wrong, but I really felt like saying ‘fuck you’ when she got concerned about my cutting but basically ignored the real pain I was feeling. I don’t know.
At this point, I’ve pretty much ‘split’ with respect to my feelings toward her. Things were going great and now I really don’t want much of anything to do with her. Of course, that will probably change again at some point. And as far as self-harm goes, I will not be bringing up the subject again (whether I continue to engage in it or not) and will most likely tell her I’m not doing it, if she asks, regardless of what is actually going on with it.
So, yeah. That memorial service has really thrown me off.