“I am a bad person and everyone hates me.”

I think (hope?) that that isn’t actually the case, but it certainly feels like it sometimes.

The way it apparently works with me is that, if I do not have a positive interaction with a person, I start believing that I have done something wrong and that that person hates me. It happens all over the place.

I work from home and talk to my boss via Skype, maybe, 2-4 times each week. These conversations always go very well and my boss is obviously pleased with the work I am getting done. I know that coming out of each of those conversations. Yet, usually, within only an hour or two of wrapping up a conversation, the thought that I am a horrible employee starts working it’s way back into my head and the result is that go around, erroneously believing that I am always about to be fired.

At home, I feel like I never do enough to help out… even though my roommate explicitly tells me that I am pulling my weight and she’s pleased with how I help out. She’s doing some chores right now, in fact. I instantly feel guilty for not doing something at that exact moment as well. I told her I’m going to mow the backyard (which I’ll do as soon as I’m done here), but I have to wait for the kitchen floor to dry before I go out. It should be done at this point. So, about 5 minutes from now, I’ll be mowing and beating myself up because: (1) I’m not doing enough; (2) I never do enough; (3) and my roommate hates me as a result.

And this is just one of the myriad of ways that having borderline personality disorder makes my life miserable.

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