I just filled out a DBT skills diary card for the first time in about a year. I briefly saw a therapist in Salt Lake City right around this time last year (yes, I fled New Jersey right around Labor Day last year). I’m approaching it a bit differently this time. Instead of second guessing it and viewing it as a chore, I’m going to accept that I don’t often understand what I’m doing with my DBT skills but, if I’m mindful in filling out the card, things will start to work and, maybe, I’ll actually start getting better about consciously using said skills.
It’s a bit like the ashram. I don’t entirely understand what is going on there either. So, I’m just going to trust the process and hope that good things come of it. Lord knows, if I keep insisting on intellectualizing everything, I’ll die before I get better. I trust my wife. I trust my therapist. I’m going to try to do what they tell me to do. I’m pretty sure this is my last chance.
E reached out to me today. She says she just got out of detox (I hope that’s true) and is stuck and starting to get suicidal. I’m talking to A (roommate) and J (mentor) about it. I’d like to help her figure out a way to lift herself up. I’m even considering bringing her back to Portland but, given our history, I will only do that if I fear for her life. Given our considerable history, even having her in the same city would probably significantly increase my odds of going back to heroin.
And tomorrow is International Overdose Awareness Day. It will be one day shy of the 6 month anniversary of my overdose. There’s a ceremony being held downtown that I’m planning on going to. I’ve got a lot of mixed emotions about, for obvious reasons. I’ve been considering posting something on Facebook about it. I’d like to bring awareness but would probably do so in a way that would result in me basically ‘coming out’ about my drug problem. Few of my Facebook friends know I’m a junkie and even fewer know that I’ve overdosed. This is where the BPD is making me second guess myself. Would I be putting it out there for the ‘drama’ or for more altruistic purposes? I don’t know. I’m probably making a bigger deal about it than it actually is.