Aaand… Now I’m Feeling Suicidal

Coming on the heels of being horrendously triggered a few hours ago (and between one of the multiple sprints I’ve had to make to the bathroom tonight), I was on Facebook and learned that N graduated from treatment yesterday. Again, this occurs exactly 6 months from the day that I mentally fucked her and destroyed our relationship forever.

I’m very happy for her. I realize that I do still miss her. I hate the fact that I still so fucked up and confused on a daily basis and, by extension, really fucking hate myself. I could blame my addiction or BPD or whatever for my actions 6 months ago but I choose to blame myself. I feel like those other options are cop outs. This self-loathing is intensified by the sneaking suspicion that I’m not done… that I’m going to play out this scene again, hurting others (probably A this time) in the process. The only thing I hope is, that if I do go off the rails again, that I will finally die.

I’m tired of causing other people to suffer. That’s the worst part of all of this. I’m considering some self-harm, though I’ve got fucking DBT skills actually rattling around in my head. I could possibly use one or more to try to not cut (something might work). I’m going to try.

I’m a horrible person. I deserve today (but it won’t happen tonight).

3 thoughts on “Aaand… Now I’m Feeling Suicidal

    1. Thanks. I did wind up doing the ‘T’ part of tip last night… I slammed a back of frozen breakfast sausages against my bare back and held it there for about 10 or 15 seconds. I find that’s pretty good for shocking me back to reality.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. BPD/addiction isn’t a cop out. It’s your reality. It doesn’t change what you did. It means that you didn’t do so intentionally. It means that you didn’t really have the skills/tools to deal differently. Doesn’t change that you hate what you did. But you aren’t to blame for it either (and yes I know how hard that is to accept).
    You are worth it. Nothing you have ever done can ever change that.

    Liked by 1 person

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