Coming on the heels of being horrendously triggered a few hours ago (and between one of the multiple sprints I’ve had to make to the bathroom tonight), I was on Facebook and learned that N graduated from treatment yesterday. Again, this occurs exactly 6 months from the day that I mentally fucked her and destroyed our relationship forever.
I’m very happy for her. I realize that I do still miss her. I hate the fact that I still so fucked up and confused on a daily basis and, by extension, really fucking hate myself. I could blame my addiction or BPD or whatever for my actions 6 months ago but I choose to blame myself. I feel like those other options are cop outs. This self-loathing is intensified by the sneaking suspicion that I’m not done… that I’m going to play out this scene again, hurting others (probably A this time) in the process. The only thing I hope is, that if I do go off the rails again, that I will finally die.
I’m tired of causing other people to suffer. That’s the worst part of all of this. I’m considering some self-harm, though I’ve got fucking DBT skills actually rattling around in my head. I could possibly use one or more to try to not cut (something might work). I’m going to try.
I’m a horrible person. I deserve today (but it won’t happen tonight).