Life Insurance

I am ‘high risk’ when it comes to life insurance. I know it will cost me, if I can get it at all. I also know my odds aren’t great. I figure, at best, I have a 95% chance of living the next 12 months. That sounds like a relatively high number but the actual odds for a typical 43 year old man to not die for 12 months is 99.74%. Realistically? I put myself closer to an 80% chance of living out a year (1 in 5 chance that I won’t make it).

It’ll be interesting to see if I can get it. I’d like to get a $1M policy. I figure, $300k to my wife, $200k to each of my ex-wife and two kids, and the last $100k to my roommate. Honestly, I’d be happy with a 1 year, term life policy that would pay out only in the event of a drug overdose. If I could get something like that, I’d be willing to pay. $1000/mo premiums? More? It may be very well worth it.

Or maybe having such a policy would just eliminate one more speed bump on the road to relapse (not that it would matter). I swear, I either believe that I am over this addiction and will never use heroin again or I’m convinced that there is no fucking way I will avoid a relapse. Lately, and particularly right now, it’s been much more of the latter. I assume there’s some middle ‘gray’ area that addicts who have a solid recovery live in. I certainly don’t. Maybe, if I’m still alive in a year, things won’t seem so dire.

I’d like to plan for my potential untimely passing. I’m just worried that having a plan like that established would actually enable my addiction and allow me to rationalize using. And if I don’t plan and relapse and die anyway? Well, I’d feel horrible about that (except that I would be dead).

I don’t know. I feel like every decision I make is wrong. I’m pretty sure that, whether I were to choose to undertake this preparation or not, that whatever I decide will be the wrong thing. So, I might as well do the wrong thing that will at least provide a financial cushion for those I leave behind.

One thought on “Life Insurance

  1. Why not wait and discuss this with your therapist and the professionals you mentioned in another post?
    I get both sides, and they’re both true. That getting an insurance will mean in a sense you can let go and not getting it and not having it for them if you may anyways? Not sure.
    Love and light.


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