[I’ve been journaling with pen and paper much more recently and the blog has dropped off a bit. I feel like I should do a quick update.]
So, my wife did not move in with me. She went back and decided that most of the kerfuffle at the ashram was a result of her PTSD being triggered. That’s great for her but the whole thing flipped me out and has left me something of a mess.
Being around her was very triggering on a number of fronts and, as much as I enjoyed spending some time with her, I was ultimately glad that she was able to go back to the ashram. As a result of everything, I decided to take a step back from her and the ashram for a little bit. When I told her I was going to skip the open-eye meditation Saturday as I was gathering myself, she went off on me. Basically, she believes that the only way I am going to get better is by fully committing myself to the same program that she is working. It’s great that it works for her, but I don’t know if that is my path.
When I told her my plans to skip Saturday night, she sent me several hurtful (and somewhat ‘crazy’) texts:
You have been taken over by a hungry ghost and a demon. You literally have these things. So, that is why you aren’t able to get better mentally.
I don’t know if I can see you right now without getting very sad for you…
So should I stop taking three hours a day with Swami here to attempt t help you and your kids like I do and have been for a long time?
She understands my BPD probably better than just about anyone else. She knows how statements like this affect me. From my perspective, she’s either intentionally trying to hurt me or she has ‘drunk the kool-aid’ at the ashram to the point that she has become blind to the possibility that the universe may not necessarily operate the way she has come to believe it does. Either way, statements like this are far more effective at pushing me away, than making me want to return to the ashram.
There was a bright spot last week with all of this going on: NetFlix dropped the 5th season of my favorite television program, BoJack Horseman. That was certainly a lift to my spirits… until I got to the penultimate episode of the season.
[*** SPOILER ALERT ***]
BoJack is damaged goods. He’s struggled with depression and substance abuse throughout the series. Both issues have been tackled very well in my opinion, often in a manner that brings humor to them. That changed with this episode. Throughout the entire episode, BoJack is shown throwing back huge quantities of an unidentified prescription opiate pain-killer. He constantly loses touch with reality and nearly strangles his girlfriend/co-star at the end of the episode during a psychotic break. The next, and final, episode of the season concludes with BoJack admitting himself into rehab.
[*** END SPOILER ALERT ***]
Holy fuck! I was triggered as fuck. I purged and, after a several day hiatus from kratom, ran out to the store for more. I’m mostly stable again at this point but have decided to return to using kratom, at least for a while.
On that subject, I have a good friend, M, who is also an eating disordered, recovering heroin addict. I shared with her a couple weeks ago about my kratom use when I was considering going back on buprenorphine. She is the only person in my close circle whose struggles with mental illness are as bad and possibly worse, than my own. While on a car ride together to our favorite kombucha bar, she opened up about how she has started using alcohol, weed and (microdosing) LSD, as needed, for pretty much the same reason I’ve been using kratom (to not constantly being feeling awful and suicidal).
I feel awful that she feels like this (and, obviously, completely understand how she feels and why she’s doing what she’s doing). It does make me feel a little less lonely with my own shit, which helps. It’s also good to know I have someone to talk to who truly understands what I’m dealing with. We discussed possibly microdosing together sometime and I filled her in on kratom a bit more, in case she wanted to test it out to see if it helps her at all. Are we enabling each other? I’m sure some people might view these actions as such. I view it, and I think she views it as well, as doing anything in our power to survive, with the understanding on both our parts that we never want to use heroin again.