Confession

I’ve been using kratom, on and off, for about 2 months now, to keep my heroin urges at bay and reduce my suicidal ideation. It’s been working but keeping it from my roommate has been eating me up inside. So, today I made my confession.

I spoke to my therapist first. She told me to do up a DEARMAN worksheet on it (DBT skill) and rehearse it first. Thank goodness I did. I broke down crying as soon as I began. If I hadn’t had done that preparation, there is absolutely no way I would have made it through the whole thing.

Long story short: I was met with compassion and understanding. She did not pass judgment at all and encouraged me to engage in whatever harm reduction I thought appropriate to stay away from heroin. Then she flipped the script on me and confessed that she had occasionally been getting stoned (weed is not her DoC) with her boyfriend and she was struggling to tell me that.

So, where we stand now is: three addict/alcoholics, living together and all using substances (her boyfriend regularly uses weed and LSD and, I think, occasionally throws in some MDMA). So, I don’t really know where that puts us. They seem to be operating under the same “as long as I don’t use [my DoC] and it helps me, then… ok”. We’re all a bit hesitant to tell anyone else what we’re doing but, by some quirk of fate, we’ve all wound up under the same roof.

I was previously considering letting the boyfriend guide me on my first acid trip but didn’t know how to bring it up. Now, I can almost definitely partake and probably will. This is part, but not entirely, rationalization. I have heard some very positive things about LSD from folks with similar issues to my own. I have wanted to try for myself for sometime but I’m scared to do it by myself. Now it seems like I can have a seasoned traveler take me on my first trip.

Yet, I still feel lost and confused. I mean, taking the kratom is definitely helping and I’m pleased that I’m able to be more honest about it. I really do feel that I’d I were forced to be 100% abstinent, that I would ultimately relapse on heroin. So, why am I berating myself still? Opening up today was cathartic and felt good. It’s now about 5 hours later and I’m back to feeling suicidal… again. I still feel like whatever decision I make about just about anything is wrong. I still feel like I’m unlikely to make it another year. And it sucks.

3 thoughts on “Confession

    1. Thanks. Things are a little confusing for me right now. My old paradigm for recovery is currently screaming at me for relapsing. That said, things are very different this time. For one, I’m not using heroin. I’m also sticking to a small set of substances, used for very specific purposes, and keeping others fully informed about my use. I’m simultaneously thrilled at the possibility of this getting me back on track (particularly with respect to my BPD) and scared that this will ultimately kill me. I am fairly certain that using heroin again will kill me so I’m entertaining any possible solution that will help me stay away from it.

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