Through the Looking Glass

In less than 24 hours, I have had my idea of what my recovery should look like turned completely upside down. Yesterday, after the highly emotional conversation with my roommate, new ground rules were established that allowed and, to a certain extent (in the name of harm reduction), encouraged the use of certain substances in the home. And, this morning, I had therapy…

I sought out my therapist specifically because she specializes in treating borderline personality disorder. In light of what’s happened recently, our conversation went down a path that I would have never imagined.

After going over what I’ve been dealing with the last week, which has mostly been substance-related, the rest of our conversation stayed focused on drugs. It turns out that, in addition to being supportive of my use of kratom to prevent a heroin relapse, she is also very big on cannabis and psychedelic supported treatment. She was just at a conference about the latter a week ago. We spoke about it some but it’s not legal yet (evidently, there is legislation moving through local government to make it legal), so she can’t officially treat me in that capacity. I even gave her a brief overview of the dark web.

So, my head is spinning. Historically, the ‘100% abstinence’ model has obviously not worked for me. One of the problems with it is that, if I were to relapse on something like marijuana, then I was made to feel that that was just as bad a fuck up as relapsing on heroin. As a result, I always felt that, if I was going to relapse, then I was going to Relapse (i.e., go back to heroin). But, if one dispenses with the black and white thinking associated with that model, the turn to heroin doesn’t become inevitable (as it always was for me in the past).

I’ve understood using certain substances might actually help me in a variety of ways, but have had trouble accepting it because of the treatment model I’ve received. And, I’ve certainly never had a medical professional explain to me that recovery can include the use of certain substances, particularly if they help you refrain from your drug of choice and improve your quality of life.

I’m tired of being sick and suicidal and craving dope and everything else. This is the first time in a very long time that I actually feel some hope with respect to my long-term prospects. I don’t want to get my hopes up. I’ve been let down so many times in the past. But, if I can get into some sort of long-term recovery (from BPD, from heroin addiction, from anorexia), that would be absolutely incredible.

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