Off the Rails (Briefly), Manipulative as Fuck (Always)

I tried to use less kratom and more weed today, in and effort to get a similar effect with a different drug cocktail. It didn’t work and I was reminded how I still really don’t much care for being stoned. I wound up very suicidal and craving heroin as a result. I finally returned home a little after 6pm. At that point, I took some more kratom and politely declined any more weed from my roommates.

When I was in poor shape this afternoon, I began conniving a way to get some MDMA one of my roommates has. He has LSD also and, while I’d like to take some here, we still have a 100% abstinence person staying with us and I have enough experience to know to not set myself to being sober when I’m actually on my first acid trip. Although it’s up in the air, I wouldn’t mind if our 4th, non-using friend would decide to leave tomorrow. That would give me ample time to try at least one of my MDMA/LSD options.

Now, comes the manipulative part. I will be talking with my therapist about theseenough thoughts to maximize my drug using potentials. My original roommate (A) expressed some concern when I brought up discussing using MDMA with our new roommate, J, I was sensible enough to back off. I probably won’t bring it up again while we’re here. I have to prove, to myself as much as to A, that I’ve got things under control.

The thing is, I’m sure I’ll use the things in the near future. If I can facilitate that, and future uses, by backing off a bit, it will be well worth it. I’d also like to possibly get a PO box for dark web purchases. I’ve already planted the seed and I think that, with adding the ability to get things like good mushrooms, I’ll have an ally in J.

But I shouldn’t be thinking like this. It’s very likely that much of this will fall into place, just by being honest. And I know this. And so I have yet another character flaw (manipulation) to shame myself with for no good reason.

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