Candy Flipping

I want to try to get some of my experience down, while it’s still relatively fresh. Yesterday, I took some MDMA. Several hours later, I took some more, augmented by a tab of LSD (that’s the “candy flipping”). A few hours after that, I took one more hit of acid and them retired to my room to contemplate my mindset.

I should preface this by saying that, despite that fact that I prefer to IV heroin, I’ve always been a bit frightened of tripping. I had refrained from trying it because I didn’t want to do it alone, just in case. Yesterday, I was well supported (and not alone) and it made for quite a pleasurable experience.

Around midday, J and I took some MDMA. He just eyeballed the dose, so I’m not sure how much I took. Maybe, 100mg? I need to buy us a scale, if we’re going to continue using this stuff. We ate it and it had the same nasty chemical taste that meth does. Yew. Then, we went to the beach.

The effect was very subtle (maybe, because I’m used to slamming dope). The only noticeable effect was feeling quite content… more so than I usually every feel. This was fine with me. It made for quite a pleasurable beach trip.

When we got back, and I knew we’d be in for the evening, I decided it was time to go after my personal bogeyman and finally drop some acid. I had heard positive things about doing it with MDMA, so we took a little more of that and than took a tab.

It was amazing. For the first part of the trip, I just laid on the couch and listened to Beethoven’s 6th Symphony. With my eyes closed, I was getting all sorts of fantastic visuals. Every so often I would open my eyes and the effect would be diminished, so I would close them again. When I finally roused myself from the couch, the visuals with my eyes open were in full effect too. At one point, I found myself staring at the front door, taking in the colors and shifting patterns there. It was very relaxing. My fears of a bad trip were unfounded.

Around 8pm, I decided that to do a little experiment. I took a final hit of acid and, when I started peaking, I laid down in my room, with the intention of trying to get at some of the darker parts of my psyche. I was able to do this without any of the fear or trepidation I might normally have about such a pursuit. I felt like I could approach things, like my suicidal ideation, without spinning out of control.

Ultimately, I was unable to dig in as much as I would have liked to, but the fact that I was able to even attempt something like that was very encouraging. I will definitely be exploring this avenue further, following some processing with my therapist about everything (which will happen tomorrow).

I will almost certainly be partaking of both of these substances again. I want to be careful not to over do anything, but I think that, with the proper guidance, I might be able to make some positive steps toward getting better.

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