I hate that I’m using again. I hate that, as bad as I feel about using, it feels better than not having a substance in my body. I could still be trying to stay 100% abstinent but… why? I usually feel ok for, maybe, 2-4 weeks after I first get clean. Then, the old thoughts start to settle back in. Existence becomes miserable. Drugs seem, more and more, a good option.
And heroin, in particular, makes life much more bearable (at least, initially). Of course, that won’t end well. Of course, what I’m doing now isn’t a particularly low-risk bet. This path I’ve started down might truly be the beginning of the end. And, if it is? That’s ok.
I don’t find life, generally, to be worth loving. That holds true whether I’m clean or not. I still believe that I won’t live more than another couple of years. It feels like my two choices are to keep fighting and remain miserable until I ultimately overdose on heroin or to throw in the towel, partially, and use a few, select substances to make life a little less painful until I ultimately overdose on heroin.
I know there are choices besides those but I’m having difficulty seeing them at the moment. I guess I’ll continue to get lightly loaded on a semi-regular basis and see how things develop.