It seems my anorexia has snuck back up on me. In retrospect, it began well before the conversation 10 days ago that opened me up to using certain substances in addition to kratom, though I do think the drug use since then is exacerbating it somewhat. Most of my use of weed over this time period was done in the hope that I’d get “the munchies”. I don’t think that is happening even 50% of the time… though I have been able to confirm that I still don’t very much care for being stoned.
I’m in that all too familiar place where I am genuinely concerned about eating enough but, when I try to eat, it is simply not happening. I am eating some everyday, just not enough. I mean, I should be ravenous right now. I have eaten not anywhere close to what I should have eaten today and maybe what I’m feeling is hunger, but it isn’t what I remember hunger feeling like. I guess that’s a bit sad. I also guess it’s not too surprising. Minus a couple of very brief episodes of “normal” eating, I’m just a couple months away from the two year mark of when this eating disorder relapse began.
So, yes, two years of an active eating disorder will fuck with your hunger cues. What the fuck do I expect?