I just came across this photo. It was taken October 7th of last year. At the time, I was a little over halfway through my time in Utah with my family and eagerly exploring the dark web markets I had just unearthed.
To those unfamiliar, the marks on my arm near my elbow are track marks and the cuts toward my wrist are self-harm injuries. I don’t know what prompted me to take that picture. Or keep it, for that matter. I know I thought I deleted any drug related photos from my phone but that one is still there. I guess I’m sharing it as a marker from last year to this year.
As one can tell from the photo, I was not doing well back then. I wound up homeless for the first time, a little over a month later, in Portland.
This year, I’m in a considerably better place. But this “betterness” feels like it could swing back pretty quickly. My living situation, friends, support, work, etc are all better than they have been in a long time.
Here’s something that’s a bit odd though. Despite things being so much better now, I’ve actually been high way more in the last two weeks than I was for the same two week period last year. Granted, the substances involved for each period are different but, still…
I’m staying away from heroin. In fact, the 7+ months I have away from that is the longest I’ve ever gone since I started shooting up. This whole setup seems very precarious, though. Again, I’m fairly certain I’d have used heroin by now, if I hadn’t started using kratom but what I’m doing is not what I want for a long term solution.
As a general rule, I don’t like being high much any more. There are certainly pleasurable aspects to it but I like to have my wits about me. It just so happens that, at the moment, the displeasure associated with being high is more tolerable than the baseline sober emotional state that I live with. This is a miserable existence.