Dysregulated

I blocked N on my phone about a month ago because every single fucking time we text, I get very dysregulated. Unfortunately, the SMS widget on my computer doesn’t know I blocked it. So, this morning I woke up to and unexpected text and engaged. We actually had what was probably the longest conversation since I emotionally fucked her over right before I relapsed.

It was interesting. She says she is very interested in being friends but her boyfriend evidently wants to kill me (and would not be very nice to her, if he were to find out we were even texting). Needless to say, I don’t think she’s in a healthy relationship. Mind you, I’m not interested in any sort of romantic relationship with her (nobody deserves to be in a close relationship with me). I just want my best friend back.

And, once again, the exchange left me dysregulated as fuck. I want to sit down and hear everything she has been up to and tell her everything that is going on with me. She may very well kick me back into touch, when I tell her of my substance use, but at least we could clear the air and move on with our lives. I feel like we have unresolved business and I feel a bit stuck. Maybe she feels the same. At this rate, it will take years (if we’re lucky!) to get some resolution.

I love her. I will always love her and I told her as much. The ball is in her court…

While I’m on the subject of recovering heroin addicts that I love, E and I have started talking more again in the last week or two. She seems to be getting things back in order after going of the rails a bit a month or two ago and I’m very happy to hear that. I even went so far as to propose the possibility of her returning to Portland in May. That’s when my lease is up and I will be able to adjust my living situation, if I want to (and I’m not dead). I certainly put down the caveat that both of us will have to have to be healthier. I’m fairly certain we’d both be back on dope within 48 hours, were we to try to spend any time together just now. She agreed but seems fairly interested in coming back, if we’re up to it.

It blows my mind. Both these women say they love me and their actions seem to reflect that. I just do not see how any one could love me. I mean, E came to Portland originally at my suggestion… and we almost moved to North Carolina together! And now she’s considering coming back! Does she not see how big a fuck up I am? She knows me pretty damn well. And she is still allowing for the possibility of returning to Portland to live with me!

We do get along very well (anorexic junkies of the world, unite!). And, if we can put the heroin behind us, I think we’d make a pretty good team. And she is already well in the “using certain substances as harm reduction” camp, so that’s one less thing to worry about.

Of course, on that subject, I think I’m really starting to be over using. Of course, weed has never been my thing. Perhaps, if/when my use of psychedelics starts occurring on a semi-regular basis, I’ll drop weed altogether (wouldn’t that be nice). I’m still at the point where being high ain’t that great (and I need to stay away from heroin to keep it that way) but living without at least some mood/mind altering substance is much more consistently shitty.

I suppose I should admit that this shitty feeling has left my somewhat suicidal. Granted, it doesn’t take much to push me into almost fetishising my own death. It’s been pretty mild though. All I’ve really done is to stop wearing my seatbelt. I try to sit in the back seat, so people will be less likely to notice, and then fantasize about getting t-boned by an SUV, each time we go through an intersection. So… passively suicidal.

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