Impulsive Behavior

It’s been a while (I think) since I’ve spoken about E. Here’s a quick recap (since I have yet to figure out an efficient way of searching WordPress blogs):

  • Eating Disordered Heroin Addict. We met at rehab Summer 2017.
  • I helped her come to Portland in December of last year to go to treatment with me.
  • We relapsed together in January. I backed out of going to North Carolina with her 24 hours before I was to get on the plane.
  • We both got lifetime bans from AirBnB (I love that one).
  • We’ve get in pretty close contact since, as we’ve both had comparable struggles with respect to substances and our eating disorders.

So, we’ve always had it in the back of our heads to someday get back together (when we can trust that we won’t cause the other person to relapse). Both of our lives have been relatively stable of late and the subject has come up again. Our potential plan would be to get a place together, in Portland, when my lease is up next May.

We were catching up a bit this morning and it turns out that she’s expecting (a girl, 20 weeks). That’s fantastic. She’s excited about it and I’m excited for her.

And all of her sudden are talking about getting the place together again, specifically in the context of her having a 2-3 month old baby, when May rolls around. If I had the opportunity to make that happen right then, I would have. For whatever reason, I kinda like the thought of raising a kid with her.

Is this nuts? I think it might be. I honestly can’t tell. I texted my therapist what had happened and I’m tempted to follow up and ask her if I’m crazy. Seriously, if I think we stand a chance of not using heroin, I really want to do it.

3 thoughts on “Impulsive Behavior

  1. Oh,… Honey. If there was a perfect recipe for relapse this would be it. Your relationship with this girl is toxic, you are drawn to it because you are an addict and addicts love poison. You are probably going to do it anyway, but think about what its going to be like when the kid is here and the two of you are doing heroin in the bathroom and telling each other you are being good parents because the kid doesn’t know you’re shooting up. There is a third person involved here and the kid is going to suffer most of all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right, of course. Maybe (maybe) we’re both at a place where it’s possible. Certainly not right now. I do recognize the potential for things going very badly enough to not be anywhere close to definitely going through with it. To be honest, I’d say there is about a 1 in 4 chance of it actually happening… and I also recognize that the probability should be much lower than that.

      Liked by 1 person

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