I’m Still Crazy, but I’m Not Self-Destructing

The last week has been difficult. It seems my emotional rollercoaster has been redesigned with higher highs, lower lows and moving considerably faster. The good news is that I haven’t done anything rash in response to these feelings. In fact, I actually seem to be doing the ‘right’ thing in response to them every once in a while.

I had therapy today. We wound up going over my allotted time by at least 10 minutes and left a huge issue (my potential plans with E) completely undiscussed because we ran out of time. I did compose a very long text message to bring my therapist up to speed on the situation and we agreed we’d talk on the phone about it a bit sometime in the next couple of days. I’m also going to adjust my budget and start going to therapy twice a week, instead of once, as my ‘crazy’ has evidently gotten to the point that I need way more than an hour to work my shit out.

Therapy is going well too. My therapist repeatedly reinforces the good things I’m doing because still have trouble seeing them. If I’m being honest, I guess I am getting a little better (just a little). I spoke very frankly with her today about my expectation about whether or not I’ll still be alive a year from now. She handled it very well. She is a professional and I suppose I should be worried if she was not capable of handling something like that well. I don’t always believe her when she tells me I’m making progress, small though it may be, and she is very explicit that recovering from my BPD will not be easy and will take a long time. It is possible, though, and I need to keep telling myself that.

I specifically told her that, if things continue as-is, I don’t want to go on living. By that, I mean that I refuse to continue to be crushed by emotional tsunamis, even though I’m using DBT skills to deal with them. If I still have to feel like this and am forced to use my DBT skills just to not blow up, then fuck that shit. I’ll be checking out. She told me, and I believe her, that repeated use of DBT skills in a case like mine will actually lead to growth in my amygdala (yay, neuroplasticity) and that those tsunamis will start getting smaller. It will take time though.

A friend of mine from my old treatment center invited me to a Halloween party that they had going on there. As it was only about a 10-minute walk from therapy and started shortly before I wrapped up, so I decided to pop over for a bit. It was a good decision. I was able to touch base with the staff and let them know what I was up to. I also got to meet the new clinical director (who works with eating disorders in addition to substance abuse). I even shared with her about my kratom use (again… trying to be as honest about everything as possible). She had very positive feedback about the steps I am taking to get better. The only negative was that N was there. I didn’t even notice her for the first 5 or 10 minutes but, once we noticed each other, we enacted our mutual “pretend the other person doesn’t exist” pact. Honestly, running into her did leave me a little dysregulated… which I dealt with using a skill my therapist and I had discussed right before that.

And, about an hour ago, E called me and we got to chat for about half an hour. We’re both excited about the possibility of following through on our plan but we are also quite aware that we still need to do some considerable work if we actually expect to be able to do it safely. I also told her I was working with my therapist to try to put myself in the best possible place to make it happen. I really do hope we’re able to make this work.

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