Yes, I’m an Addict

My recovery currently involves my using a couple substances: primarily kratom and, to a lesser extent, marijuana. I have been very careful in my use and track how much I’m using very carefully to hopefully be able to identify if I’m starting to spiral. So far, that’s working well.

I have to do that. I recognize that it takes very little prodding to get me to use drugs. My kratom use directly combats that by helping with my urges to use heroin. If I don’t do that, it would be very easy to lose control.

That’s because I’m an addict. I’ve just had two back-to-back things pop up that demonstrate how this works for me:

  1. My roommate offered me a bowl about two hours ago. I’ve made it clear that I typically don’t care for being stoned and I’m working right now. And I still said ‘yes’. I only took one puff because I know my work performance will be minimally degraded, if I keep it at that level. Any more, and I’d be clocking out for the day. But I really did not want to take it.
  2. About 30 minutes ago, that same roommate proposed dropping acid tonight. I wish I could say that I’m ambivalent about whether that happens or not but I really want to take it.

It sucks that my knee jerk reaction to any substance is “more, please”. It’s why I work so diligently to stay away from heroin, meth and cocaine. If I have access to any of those I will use them.

It’s good that I can recognize this and put mechanisms in place to protect myself. It’s also good that I’m actually talking about these things also (I already texted my therapist and E about all this). It’s still scary though. I really want to never touch heroin again yet it appears I’ll never be able to truly rule out the possibility of that happening.

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