Second Trip (TW – Drug Use) and more Anorexia

I took two tabs of acid (and about 40mg of MDMA) roughly 48 hours ago. I consulted with my therapist prior to the trip to get some guidelines and ideas to focus on.

It went quite well. I found myself returning to the guidance repeatedly throughout the evening. I had a very comfortable setting and felt very safe. Given that, I allowed myself to dive a little deeper into the darker parts of my psyche.

I didn’t have any major breakthroughs, though there was a moment when I felt at peace and one with the universe (the next day I spent sometime reevaluating my thoughts on God… the jury is still out). I also realized that I currently have an outright aversion to nourishing my body right now. More on that later.

I shared these thoughts with my therapist the next morning (and many, many more) and have decided that I absolutely want to go to therapy while tripping as soon as possible (preferably, using psilocybin). I feel like there is something really disturbing buried very deep in me and that having someone who knows what they’re doing guide me through a trip will help me uncover it. I felt like I was close this time but lack the experience to get as far as I need.

Back to the eating disorder. I weighed in lighter at the dietitian this week than the previous session. Four of the five days since, I have restricted and fairly significantly (probably under 1000 calories each of those days). The thing is, I actually want to eat and gain weight at this point but it has gotten very difficult. Yesterday was the one day I ate. I recognized that my anorexia was starting to pick up so I worked very hard to make myself eat yesterday. It’s ridiculous that it’s gotten to this. It’s crazy. I’m crazy. I know it’s very important to eat, particularly for me, particularly now, yet, as I mentioned before, I’ve evidently picked up an outright aversion to eating. Fuck me.

While I was waiting for the bus right now, I remembered that I’ll have health insurance in another two months. I decided, if things stay the same or get worse, I’ll check myself into a residential eating disorder clinic in January. I’ve been hemming and hawing about what would be an appropriate level of care would be appropriate when I have insurance again. Ideally, I could just continue with my current therapist and dietitian. If, god forbid, I’m thinner in two months than I am now, I think residential ED treatment will be called for. Plus, it’s very unlikely that I’ll lose an unsafe amount of weight until then.

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