So, I was extremely dysregulated yesterday from about 10am to about 10pm. (At least borderline ‘moods’ rarely last more than a day for me). I was triggered by this article about childhood abuse on the website The Mighty. Omg, was I triggered. I turned into a weeping mess for those 12 hours. I am very fortunate in that my therapist is totally down with talking to me, usually via text, when I get like that and she did a great job of getting me through it. (On a side note, I distracted a bit by going to watch Bohemian Rhapsody. I cried through most of it but it was a really good film and I highly recommend checking it out).
I actually started trying to post about what was going on yesterday afternoon but doing so only triggered me more and I had to stop. I did a ‘post-mortem’ of the episode about 30 minutes ago in the form of a monster text I sent to my therapist. I share that with you now…
Nrn. I think I need a little wrap up of what the fuck happened yesterday. I was completely off the rails yesterday from about 10am until about 10pm. I smoked a little weed around noon. It didn’t help my mood but did help me eat. I smoked more around 9pm which helped both my mood and my food. I am a little embarrassed about the last text I sent last night. I’m certainly not implying that I think I’ve been abducted by aliens. For whatever reason, though, the idea of alien abduction has always not sat right with me. That one post just popped into my head (I think) because the whole episode seems to have been triggered by me believing that something bad happened to me that I can’t remember. I don’t believe that bad thing was an alien abduction (I can’t even believe I’m writing this right now). I wonder: (1) if something bad even did happen to me and (2) if something did, is my psyche hiding it behind this alien abduction thing (does something like that ever even happen)? I guess I should give some background. I can think of two specific things at the moment. The first thing is remembering the book ‘Communion’ by Whitley Strieber (I think). I must’ve been 12 or 13 at the time. The cover had a picture of a traditional ‘gray’ alien. That cover freaked me out. The book was about the author’s alien abduction and it freaked me out too. The other thing was when I was in England (so I was maybe 22 or 23). I was in a week long class to become adjunct faculty for the NSA’s National Cryptpologic School. The topic I stuck with for the practice lessons I was developing was about the existence of aliens and alien abduction. At one point, I brought in an X-Files episode (Duane Barry) and showed the first few minutes of the show (before the opening credits) where Mr. Barry is abducted and a laser is shot into his mouth by aliens. Part of why I chose that topic and video was because they scared me and I wanted to face those fears.
I’ve pretty much dropped all thoughts of this subject for at least the last ten years (actually, now that I think about it, my concern started to drop off roughly about the same time my mental health really started to deteriorate). That said, I was obviously thinking about it when I made that post in April. I noted that I actually created an ‘Alien Abduction’ category in my blog, as if I intended to write more on the subject, but never wrote any thing else about it. So, I think that leaves me more confused than ever. Coming from my scientific background, I know that the physics, as currently understood by mankind, does not allow any potential alien civilization from crossing the vast distances of space to reach the earth, if such aliens even exist. I remain ever the skeptic. But I do (or did) have an very strong interest (and emotional reaction) to the subject. I googled a little and found a Psychology Today article about the possible psychological origins of this phenomenon (e.g., ‘sleep paralysis’ and whatnot) which did not support my theory that maybe my mind is throwing up this alien abduction bullshit as a way have hiding something else my subconscious doesn’t want me to know about. So, yesterday sucked. It certainly got me talking on this subject though, which I did not anticipate. Interestingly, I made the connection to that blog entry while stoned. I don’t think that connection would have been made otherwise. However, I don’t entirely trust my judgment on this subject (no surprise there) because I was stoned when I made the connection. So, do with that what you will. This was originally meant to be a short message but it looks like I am hitting the max length on my second text on the subject so I guess I had something to say on the matter.
I don’t really know what to make of the whole thing still. To speak openly about alien abduction (even if I don’t believe any such thing actually happened) certainly doesn’t make me feel any less ‘crazy’.
(I just added the picture of the book from my childhood that freaked me out. It still does and I am erasing it from my phone as soon as I post this.)