Self-Love

I just had an interesting walk home from the AT&T store. The trip itself was a bust but I had just enough cannabis in me to allow for the sort of enhanced lateral thinking that I get, and quite enjoy, when I’m just barely stoned.

I have made it a habit of writing down ideas I have that might be relevant to my recovery when I’m stoned, usually in a text message to myself. It’s actually been quite handy. I review these messages to myself when I’m not stoned to see if any of my ‘insights’ actually make sense. Most of the time, they’re pretty good.

I’m not sure what the train of thought was, but I just wrote this:

What you’re trying to do is really fucking hard. You’re doing ok. This is the least destructive path while you start to get better. Stay concerned about your use, but you should be fine. I really do think you might be able to do this. I’m proud of you.

And this (this one is amazing):

I think I actually love myself (at least a little, at least right now).

And this:

Cannabis (perhaps assisted by LSD) seems to help me get into touch with a much gentler and kinder part of myself.

And, finally, this:

Maybe it’s time to come out about my substance use.

I view all those things as being generally positive. The comment about the self-love floors me. And reading it again now does bring a little of that feeling back.

I don’t pretend to understand it, but some of the kindest thoughts I’ve ever had for myself have occurred in the last month or two while I’ve been stoned. I’d like it to keep happening.

I also think I’m fully ready to come out about my substance use now. Of course, if I own up to using… and everyone knows that J (roommate) uses… it won’t be a huge stretch by our friends to figure out that A (other roommate) is probably using also. I am fairly sure she isn’t ready to do that yet. So, I’ll maybe mention my thoughts to her but I doubt any action will be taken any time soon.

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