It’s early evening. I’m sober. And I want to die. I had a text conversation with the only friend I know of that has also tried to kill themselves. She’s been struggling a lot lately and the conversation triggered me. It was just a little at first but it has snowballed.
I’m not actively suicidal. I have my plan. I’ve had my plan for years now. It’s evolved over time but it has been a long time since I have not had one. Funnily enough, the friend I just mentioned also has an ongoing plan that just so happens to be the same as mine.
I really wish, most days, that I would be killed in some completely accidental way. I don’t wear my seat belt but that’s the only ‘active’ behavior that reflects how I feel.
I just feel overwhelmed by nearly everything these days. I’ve certainly had good moments recently but those moments have been tempered by moments of uncertainty and fear. I’m at a point where I’m looking ahead and still have trouble seeing things end well.
I don’t know what happens when you die. I operate under the assumption that death brings personal oblivion. I recognize that I could be wrong. Hell, I’m most likely wrong. The universe is a mysterious place. I know there are a lot of things wrong with this argument (including, probably, it’s base assumption). But, assuming oblivion and the fact that you only ever live in the current moment, one day I’ll have my final moment and then nothing. At that moment, whether I die this year or in 40 years, that will be my entire life and then it will be over. If the end is the same, does it make sense to live longer if living is such constant pain?
Does that even make any sense? It does to me and is one of my main ‘go-to’ rationalizations for killing myself. I really wish I didn’t have so many people depending on me. Of course, if I didn’t, that would be one less stressor contributing to my desire to end things.
It’s confusing. I know I don’t really want to die (I think I don’t anyway… I’m certainly not feeling much drive to live at the moment). So, I’m going to bed, hoping to die in my sleep and will probably wake, feeling a bit better tomorrow… or not. Better to not have expectations.