I Feel Like Shit (TW – Suicidal Ideation and Discussion)

It’s early evening. I’m sober. And I want to die. I had a text conversation with the only friend I know of that has also tried to kill themselves. She’s been struggling a lot lately and the conversation triggered me. It was just a little at first but it has snowballed.

I’m not actively suicidal. I have my plan. I’ve had my plan for years now. It’s evolved over time but it has been a long time since I have not had one. Funnily enough, the friend I just mentioned also has an ongoing plan that just so happens to be the same as mine.

I really wish, most days, that I would be killed in some completely accidental way. I don’t wear my seat belt but that’s the only ‘active’ behavior that reflects how I feel.

I just feel overwhelmed by nearly everything these days. I’ve certainly had good moments recently but those moments have been tempered by moments of uncertainty and fear. I’m at a point where I’m looking ahead and still have trouble seeing things end well.

I don’t know what happens when you die. I operate under the assumption that death brings personal oblivion. I recognize that I could be wrong. Hell, I’m most likely wrong. The universe is a mysterious place. I know there are a lot of things wrong with this argument (including, probably, it’s base assumption). But, assuming oblivion and the fact that you only ever live in the current moment, one day I’ll have my final moment and then nothing. At that moment, whether I die this year or in 40 years, that will be my entire life and then it will be over. If the end is the same, does it make sense to live longer if living is such constant pain?

Does that even make any sense? It does to me and is one of my main ‘go-to’ rationalizations for killing myself. I really wish I didn’t have so many people depending on me. Of course, if I didn’t, that would be one less stressor contributing to my desire to end things.

It’s confusing. I know I don’t really want to die (I think I don’t anyway… I’m certainly not feeling much drive to live at the moment). So, I’m going to bed, hoping to die in my sleep and will probably wake, feeling a bit better tomorrow… or not. Better to not have expectations.

8 thoughts on “I Feel Like Shit (TW – Suicidal Ideation and Discussion)

    1. Thank you. I’m in better shape right now than when I posted that. And that’s why I put trigger warnings on some of my posts. I know I get into some touchy subjects sometimes and don’t want to set anyone off. I’m pleased to know someone is using the warnings as I intended.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah. I used to be pretty blasé about them myself but I get triggered way to easily these days. For instance, I’ve heard really good things about the film ‘A Star is Born’. I’ve also learned that it can be extremely triggering for people that struggle with suicide. So, as much as I would love to see it, it will probably be several years before I’m at a point where I’ll feel like I can do so without causing me to spiral.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m a bit all over the place these days. I’m anxious and scared a lot of the time. At the same time, I am seeing small, but real, signs of improvement in my mental health. I’m 44 and I believe this is the first time in my entire live that I’ve noticed myself getting a bit better instead of worse and I think the uncertainty surrounding that is contributing to those feelings. I still feel some shame about using things like kratom and weed to help in my recovery, even if those things are meant to be temporary until I get solid using DBT skills, though I’m working on that shame with my therapist and it is lessening. How are you?

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      3. That’s awesome that you’re seeing improvement.
        I’m doing good. For the most part I’m not messing up (meaning I’m fighting to not throw up and I am buying cocodamol but other than that I’m not using. Or messing up. At all). Which is cool. Studying mindfulness. Which is also cool. Looking for a therapist. Not so cool. Not sure what is or isn’t to be honest. I’m okay at the moment and just hope it lasts and that the other shoe doesn’t bang on my head anytime soon.

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      4. Glad to hear your doing well. I wish you luck in finding a therapist. I continue to be amazed with mine. I have never had a therapist like this. She’s certainly non-traditional but she knows her shit when it comes to BPD and I credit her with my recent improvement.

        I had to Google ‘cocodamol’. I’m not familiar with your exact mental health struggles, but what you wrote leads me to believe that they’re not too far removed from my own. If you ever feel like talking more in a less public forum (I believe you have my e-mail already), I’d be happy to share more about this stuff. My bugaboos are my substance abuse, eating disorder, and, the piece that seems to be driving this bus, borderline personality disorder.

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