Gratitude

I really do have a pretty comfortable life, from a materialistic point of view, and I thought I’d take a moment to recognize it. I make a good living. I live in a very nice house with fantastic roommates. I have a lot of support, both in my community and from my mental health team, as I struggle to heal.I’m actually in quite a good place to work on getting myself to a higher quality of life.

I have to remind myself of this regularly because, even though I have all this going for me, I feel like shit on a pretty regular basis (thank you, borderline personality disorder). I exchange a gratitude list every morning with my Refuge Recovery mentor, which I can look back at throughout the day to remind myself how good I’ve got it.

I am getting better about not shaming myself for the substance use that I do engage it. This morning, I was able to honestly look at the kratom I had put in my coffee as medicine and not as frivolous substance abuse. Honestly, I am lucky that I am in a place where I am allowed to self-medicate like this. I’m lucky I have a mental health team that supports my use. I’m lucky I can afford both my mental health treatment and the substances I’m using as I slowly start to get better.

My life is exhausting though. I am so desperate to get better. It is happening, finally, but it is happening very slowly. That’s normal, but it doesn’t make it any easier while I’m going through it. In an ideal world, I’d be able to ‘check out’ from all of my responsibilities and focus only on getting better. This is not an ideal world. Last night, I did discover a place to do exactly that. There is a facility in Durham, NC called TROSA. It is a 2-year, residential program that is completely free. If, god forbid, I suffer some sort ‘catastrophic relapse’, it is nice to know something like that exists. I hope I never need it.


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