I’m in a relatively good place right now and am allowing it to happen without desperately trying to cling to it. That was not the case last night or for most of the morning. I have put a plan in place to safely get through the day and have a lot of support from my friends as well.
I’ve only had two major anorexic runs during my time with an eating disorder (it usually presents as bulimia) and this is the first time I’ve been in early recovery from anorexia during Thanksgiving. I knew it could present a problem but was still completely unprepared when it really hit me last night. I didn’t even realize what was happening until this morning when I was finally able to distance myself a bit and start to process what was happening. Basically, this food-centric holiday is causing me considerable stress.
Last night, I responded to the stress by cutting a bit (for the first time in about 6 months), crying in a curled up ball on the bed, and ordering from GrubHub at 10.30pm so I could eat in secret in my room after everyone had gone to bed. It continued this morning with more crying and wanting to crawl out of my skin.
I was able to figure out what was going on, though. Fortunately, I had already arranged with L for support in case something like this happened. L is also coming to my place for dinner this afternoon, which is fantastic. I’ve spoken to my roommates and therapist also about what is going on with me today. I’ve got my DBT Distress Tolerance app dusted off and ready to go. I’ve got a plan to safely make it through any food related activities that will pop up.
I’m not (or I’m gong to try to not) judge whatever my eating my look like today. Nobody else will be. They know I’m struggling and aren’t going to intentionally make me any more uncomfortable than I already am. If anyone will make me feel bad today, it will be me. I have accepted that it is quite possible that I will be sipping Ensure while others are tucking into turkey and I am ok with that. I’m going to stay relaxed and turn to my DBT sills if/when I feel like I’m slipping at all (it would be nice to head off any major emotional disturbances at the pass, if I can).
I think today will actually be ok. I’ll have down moments (I always do) but I know what I can do to mitigate those and, of course, they will pass. I’m tempted to get a bit stoned before sitting down to eat to hopefully give me more of an appetite but I still have reservations about cannabis so… I don’t know yet. Regardless, I’ll make it through the day and, if I can stick to my plan and use my supports/skills, I may enjoy the day still, even if I’m unable to eat ‘normally’.
Take care and I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving.