My Sex Life (or Lack Thereof)… and some Relapse Behavior

I don’t know what is going on with me right now, but I have been extraordinarily horny the last few days. I still refuse to try to start a relationship with anyone because I’m not healthy enough, but it has been ages (15 months?) since I’ve had sex. I’m honestly looking into escort services at this point, just to get this out of my system.

I’ve got a thing for L at the moment, but I think I can confidently say that we will never have that sort of relationship. I was talking sex with E two days ago. We talked about what role it might play in our relationship. I even proposed some phone sex, which I have never done before, while we were talking. I enjoyed the conversation and was definitely turned on.

There is a hang-up here. I can tell that I’m pursuing sex right now with an intensity that I normally reserve for heroin. That is obviously not a good thing. I’ve already started a conversation with my therapist about this because I can see myself doing something stupid with this if I’m not careful.

And by ‘stupid’ I mean ‘heroin relapse’… which could’ve happened two nights ago. I was coming home from a small concert with L and something triggered me and I switched into total relapse mode. When L and I parted ways, I became focused on copping at a level that I have not been at in a long time. I took a circuitous route home because I thought it might take me by a dealer (it didn’t) and I had to focus on clenching a hand rail while on the bus so as to not get off the bus at the same time as a guy I recognized on the bus could someone who could help me score. I was ready, wanting and even taking small steps to procure heroin.

I was fortunate. Nothing happened. And one good thing came out if it. I have found myself in situations like that before and always go through a phase where I’m arguing with myself about calling someone. Yet, I have never been able to make that phone call. The good thing is that I just recognized that pattern. I filled in my therapist and we’re going to try to figure out a way of helping me make that call, the next time I find myself there.

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