Existential Crisis (TW – Suicidal Ideation)

I finally watched the season opener of Doctor Who just now. I spent most of the time trying to relax my jaw which I think has been clenched for a long time (months?). I’m still catching myself and having to consciously unclench it over and over again.

I’m a couple days of cannabis and tapering off of kratom since I learned last night that anorexia is a possible side effect of long term use and my eating disorder is powerful enough without any chemical augmentation.

I’m tired all the time.

I became existential while watching the program. I’m constantly trying to get out of my head. To not be present. Because being present is currently miserable. I’m trying to race through my life and be done with it. Any time I try to sit still, I can feel myself going a little crazier.

Why? Why go on? My end will come. Maybe tomorrow, maybe 40 years from now. But, when that moment arrives, will any of my experiences count for anything? I believe they’ll all be snuffed out with my consciousness at that point. And, yes, the people I leave behind will mourn… until each and every one of them passes away as well. Does anything matter?

In the program, a woman died, but she was living right up until that point. I was jealous. I want to live like that. I don’t want to hunker down and live out a boring life, waiting patiently to die. I want to push boundaries and to do things I “shouldn’t” do. I want excitement and danger and to go out on top. I’m more comfortable in chaos anyway. Maybe, living like that is the ultimate distraction for my mind. If I knew my life would be interesting, but that I would die, unexpectedly, within the next 12 months, I think I’d take that. In fact, that would be amazing.

Seriously, who wouldn’t give up 40 years of insufferable sameness for a year a real fucking living. There’s probably a way to do it. Who knows? I’m not a complete idiot. There is probably a way to do that that doesn’t necessarily include an early death. I have a lot of interesting ideas of things to do, some positive, some not so much, but I’m evidently too stressed out by day-to-day living to be able to do any of them. I’m too stressed out to be even slightly functional for more than a day or two at a time. If I could figure out a way to monetize on or two of them, I could drop out of the ‘rat race’ and actually live. Or, I could take my next paycheck and go on a monster run. That would certainly be interesting and almost guarantee an early and unexpected death.

What to do… what to do…

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