Dial It Back

I’ve been holding off on writing a bit because I have been at a loss for words recently.

It turns out that the mere act of ordering substances online triggered me far worse than I anticipated. When the first thing arrived on Thursday (MDMA), I instantly forgot about using these things to try to improve my mental health and went into full “addict mode”. I didn’t use too much.

No. That’s a lie.

I had too much the first day. I took probably twice as much as I really should have. And then I had a ‘normal’ dose, when I should’ve been allowing my mind to bounce back, the next day. As a result, Saturday, Sunday and Monday were horrible.

And I’ve noticed that I am extremely sensitive to triggers. I have significantly altered TV, movies, books, my attitude towards substances, etc. in an effort to not spin up any worse. I’m probably going to have to be a little less graphic in what I write here as well. I don’t even want to sign into Dream Market to finalize the purchase that arrived yesterday. Two final items are supposed to arrive this week. I figure, wait until those things arrive and then go on one last time to finalize. After that, if anyone wants to order more, I’ll pass them some instructions I wrote up ages ago.

I’m still using a little… an occasional cannabis edible or a Zyprexa once in a while. I’ll probably just stick to small doses of those for a while. It’s still quite possible I’ll use other psychedelics. I was able to use them ‘responsibly’ before and I expect (hope?) I can handle them again at some point. They have helped and I think I’ve got at least 2 or 3 trips left in me.

Yesterday, I got to the point that I almost checked into the psych ward to keep myself safe. I spoke to my therapist first and wound up in an ’emergency’ 2+ hour session. She pulled me back and I made it through the rest of the day. Even my roommate, A, came in near the end of the session to talk with us.

Despite being miserable, some good did come of it. I have never been as fucked up as I was yesterday without either winding up in the hospital or using heroin. So, that’s kinda a big deal. I also discovered that, when I get like that, I actually have people I can turn to to talk things out.

Plus, today went really well, relatively speaking. It was weird. I was able to get myself going early on but then I became frightened I’d lose it if I slowed down at all. I even ate better than I have in at least a week.

I’ve got more to say on this but I’m tired. So, that’s it for now.

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