Portland is home to a health care facility that is ideally suited to my needs. For those unaware, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is considered the ‘gold standard’ for treating Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I’ve acknowledged that, until I treat that primary aspect of my mental illness, the odds of me becoming anorexic again or shooting dope again will remain unacceptably high.
The PDBTI actually has three different tracks: a ‘pure’ track, an ‘addiction’ track and an ‘eating disorder’ track. I’d benefit with any of these, though I’ve chosen to go with the ED track because it seems as though my eating is my most consistent problem these days. I put myself on the wait list when I first arrived in Portland last November and got to the top of the list a few months ago (it’s about an 8 or 9 month wait). I’ve already done two intakes with them and, if I can get a regular exam scheduled when I’d like, am targeting starting there the Monday after the new year.
The program will have me at the PDBTI from 8am to noon, Monday through Friday for probably 2 or 3 months. It’s going to be a pain in the ass working during that time but I spoke with the finance folks there. I’ll be expected to pay at least $500 toward my coinsurance reach month, plus my $652 insurance premium. I think I have figured out a way to do it, but I need to figure out what % of my normal working hours I need to hit to make that doable to make sure I work enough in January to continue going in February (and March, if necessary).
Of course, any time I schedule myself to go into treatment, I start to wonder if maybe I’m thinking I’m more ill than I actually am and if I’m wasting my time and money on something I don’t need.
Make no mistake. I need it. I’m obviously still struggling. I had that negative response to ordering substances online that led to me doing a bit more MDMA than I should have a little over a week ago. Last night, I had two full binge/purge episodes. It has been ages since something like that has happened. I’m making progress but recovery is far from linear. I like to think that if I hit this treatment program hard, it can go a long way to getting me some long term stability.