I basically spent the entire month of December stoned (hence the relative lack of posts). I stopped two days ago because I have proven to myself once more that cannabis is not an effective long term solution for me. Nothing bad happened per se, but after a month of using it, I became more unstable than usual (and I’m not particularly stable on my best days).
Of course, one of the side effects of the cannabis I was benefiting from was actually having an appetite. I managed to put some decent weight on last month. And I haven’t been able to eat since I was last stoned (a little over two days ago).
On the plus side, my eating disorder IOP starts next week (and it can not come soon enough). I’ve made peace with the likelihood that I’ll be living exclusively on Ensure for the next 4 or 5 days (roughly when the IOP starts). It’s not good, but I’ve got enough weight on me that I won’t be in too much danger from not eating for several days. It has left my mood and energy low, though, and every day is a struggle.
I’ve also decided to give up part of the struggle so I can better focus on the more immediate problems. I have my IOP intake physical Monday morning and I’ve already notified the doctor that I’m interested in a prescription for Zubsolv or Suboxone. Self-medicating is exhausting, expensive and only marginally effective compared to the medicine I’m going to get back on (I was on Zubsolv for about a year and a half when I first got clean at the end of 2015).
So, for the next few days, I’m going to lay low and take care of myself as best I can and be grateful that I’m finally starting this program.