Another marker of BPD is finding fear, well, everywhere. I know I go through life scared of just about everything I could be scared of. I always think I’m about to be fired. A delayed response to a text means I’m now despised by my BFF. There are no emotionally neutral faces… only angry ones. My brain thinks up the worst possible outcome or explanation for anything that happens around me and tells me to expect it.
The last few days, I’ve spoken about being overwhelmed by love. It certainly started out that way but I realized this morning that it’s changed. I still want to get on online dating sites to distract, though I haven’t yet today. About two hours ago I recognized that my driving emotion had switched to fear. There are a bunch of things that I’m scared of right now: the status of my relationship with my kids, not fucking up my taxes (it’s my first year filing in bankruptcy), deciding to come out about my mental health issues (I may post my stigma interview here soon), and about a million more. What I’m feeling right now doesn’t seem to be associated with any of those things though.
I thought I had blogged about my one and only mushroom trip that I took in December but I evidently did not. That was the last time I tripped and it’s related to what is going on now. I went into that trip the same way I had my previous two LSD trips, with a plan and some therapeutic goals to keep me on track. In a nutshell, as soon as my trip really kicked in, I experienced a dark cloud off to my right that scared the living fuck out of me. I wouldn’t call it a full out ‘bad trip’ but that was only because I spent the entire time I was tripping using DBT skills to keep myself from losing my shit.
Once I was done, I immediately swore of psychedelics indefinitely and at this point will only trip again in my therapist’s office (which may actually become legal next year where I live… yay, Oregon)… and maybe not even then. I also wrote to my therapist to tell her what had happened. We decided that I should be a little more stable before we start poking at whatever it is in my psyche that caused that to happen.
That’s a good plan but what I’ve been feeling the last couple of days is that exact same emotion that came up during that trip. I can’t place the emotion exactly. I’ve got my handy emotion wheel and the closest I can match it to is simply ‘frightened’. I’m using my DBT skills to handle the situation but it is making me so fucking tired. Emotionally, I’m pegged almost all the time which is wearing me out. I know that because, whenever I get a brief respite from being frightened, I feel like I just finished running a marathon or something.
I need a nap.