I got hit with a huge wave of love last night. It wasn’t to the point of discomfort like I had trouble with last month. I was watching television (The Great British Baking show) when it hit me. I was so happy, I literally cried. It was almost the same intensity as the fear I struggled with a week ago but was at the other end of the emotional spectrum: content, loving, thankful. I made a mental note to have a nonattached appreciation for the moment. It was temporary but it can, and will, happen again. For the first time, I actually know and believe that.

Part of it was because I had had a light and fun text exchange with my new favorite person, S. It was also slightly cannabis assisted. I smoked a little yesterday afternoon and, after not smoking for months, a little went a long way. It’s mostly because of S, though. I’ve known her for somewhere around 9 months and have always enjoyed her joie de vivre and the easy banter we have. We love each other. No doubt.

Something happened for me on Sunday while we were hanging out. I don’t think anything changed. I just came to the realization that I really fucking like how I feel when I’m with her and that I want to do that (be with her) as much as possible. In the past, I would hide this emotion. I would pretend it wasn’t there. For some reason, I felt shameful for having this emotion.

OMG. I just realized that I would shame myself for having feelings like this (love) for others. I would try to pretend they weren’t there, which was not very helpful. I believe that this must have been driven by my BPD fear of abandonment. I was scared of even the tiniest bit of potential rejection. I have always been scared to fully commit, emotionally, because of this. I have never spoken of this before but I think this is a big part of why my first marriage failed; I never fully committed because I knew it would eventually have to end. I’m a little better with my current wife but could still be better. I will be better, now that I just realized this.

I’m doing things differently this time. While I certainly haven’t told S all of this, I did tell her:

I like the way I feel when I spend time with you and would like to try to do that more often. I have no idea what that might look like. The only yardstick I’m using is ‘more time with S=good’.

It’s a start. And S seems to be on board with spending more time with me too. I have no idea where our relationship might go. I’d like it to take a romantic turn, of course, and I’m not going to hide from that emotion this time. I want to commit, emotionally, to someone and I’d like that someone to be S.

I did an I Ching reading on my situation and got Hexagram 63 (After Completion) and took away a couple of really good points:

  1. I should only relate sincerely to each moment as it approaches and leave matters to fate.
  2. This situation will test me and allow me to overcome my insecurities and demons. If I persevere toward my goal with unwavering caution I will succeed.

So, my plan is to spend as much time with S as I can, stay in the moment while I’m with her and be completely honest about my feelings. I might get hurt but I might also begin an actual intimate, adult relationship with someone I really love. And, before I get all ‘black and white’, I should brace myself to expect both of those things and a lot of other stuff in between.

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