This post is a post-therapy follow up to this post that I made right before therapy a few hours back.
Things are nowhere near as dire as I had let myself to believe. I have not done anything wrong or been excessively pushy or really anything that would necessarily cause S to think that I’m a raving lunatic (though I feel like one in my head). In fact, it seems (and I have such a hard time writing this because my emotions are screaming at me otherwise) that we are still likely to start spending more time together.
I just need to sit with discomfort for an unspecified period of time which is something I do not handle well. I am 44 and I have never NOT blown up at this point. My go-to thing to do at this stage is to meet with the target of my affection and way, way overshare the thoughts that are bouncing around in my head, effectively eliminating any chance of the relationship outcome that I desire.
Not this time.
I’m going to be uncomfortable but I am going to get through it. If things work out, fantastic. If they don’t, she would be about as compassionate as possible in her rejection. Honestly, she’s possibly the safest person I could have picked out in that regard. The point is, I need to go through this process to its completion. I’m already scared and freaking out but I will stick with this, for once, and get some growth out of this craziness one way or another.